…for those of you that haven’t been informed (probably most of the world other than the handful of people that I’ve told) I am embarking on the next leg of my life’s journey. It’s not one that everyone has the opportunity to experience, although based on most of the relationships that I’ve viewed from the outside it’s an experience that far too few people capitalize on: Divorce
I’m not bitter, but I do need to talk about it – the largest part of my support structure is meeting with her lawyer tomorrow.
As always, there are caveats. I’m certain that some of you reading this are asking yourselves why in the hell I would air my dirty laundry publicaly. Some of you may be expecting explosive volumes of vitriol and hatred. A good number of you are probably curious as to which part(s) of the last 15 years I regret. Some of you – likely many of you – haven’t even the foggiest idea who I am and have either not met me or my wife. The following paragraphs contains your answers, and probably a bit more.
I don’t have a lot of friends in real life, working remotely and all, and most of the friends that I do have are not exactly available during the hours that my Graveyard shift insists upon. I’m airing my crap here because it’s my Blog and because I don’t really need to talk TO anyone…I’m not interested in hearing the usual empty platitudes…but I do think that putting it down on paper will help me cope. Plus, if anyone else out there is going through something like this, maybe they won’t feel so alone.
You won’t find any vitriol or hatred here. You probably won’t even find very many snarky comments, because despite everything I do still love and trust my (for now) wife. If you read this and are offended, that means that you probably are my wife and honestly that goes quite some way to explaining this entire situation. That assumes, of course, that she has come here to read my blog, which isn’t something she did when we were still in a committed relationship, so I doubt that would change now.
I don’t regret anything. As I have maintained throughout my life, the decisions that I’ve made in the past were made with the best available information that I had at the time. Looking back on the last 15 years, while there were many regrettable situations (the two of us deciding to spring for the “VIP Lounge” in a high priced strip club, spending nearly $1000 by the end of the night and feeling extremely let down, for example), there is absolutely nothing that I would take back.
Lastly, for those of you that don’t know me: I’m just some guy. Some guy who’s been more or less happily married for the last 14 years. That marriage, right wrong or indifferent, is coming to a (hopefully) amicable close. Neither of us are happy about it, but I think we both realize that it’s time. There are no demons, monsters, spooks, ulterior motives (as far as I know), or big dramatic flourishes. I’m just some guy.
There we have it, all bases covered…except for: What the hell happened? As answer, I present to you an alphabetized list of all of the things that nearly never worked in our marriage:
As much as I have been able to tell, we are getting a divorce to avoid a conversation that my wife doesn’t want to have, that would (were we to stay married) continue to cost us time, energy, money, and opportunities. This topic was broached (by me) in a “Hey, at some point I want to talk to you about _______________ since we’re getting ready to buy a house, it’s kinda relevant”. In return I got an attitude for the next hour and an explanation that she didn’t appreciate me “blind siding” her. The event passed. The next day a fight occurred over something supremely stupid, where I ended up giving an ultimatum (I hate giving them, because people are retarded enough to think that I would give one I won’t adhere to, so when they “call my bluff” they frequently don’t like the results – she knows/knew this) : We need to get family counselling to help our communication issues, or I’m done.
I decided to wait a week – in case she changed her mind. Since I work out of town for more than half of my week this seemed like a no-brainer.
Turns out by the following morning she already had scheduled an appointment with a lawyer.
All of that to get to where I am now. The physical is easy, so I’ll start with that: I’m living in a tiny RV 3 miles from work in one of the biggest shitholes I’ve been in in a long long time. Most of my shit is occupying space in my wife’s house until I can move it out. While I don’t believe that my wife/ex-wife would do something like this, my absolute worst case scenario right now is that I head “home” to get my next load of stuff (less than a week after the fight) and find some other dude or some other dude’s shit there. Honestly, that fear itself is enough to make me want to make this take as little time as possible.
Is this rational? Of course not. I do not believe that my wife had or has any interest in finding another guy while she’s married to me. But lots and lots of people believe that their spouses aren’t capable of things that they have done. Again, more reason to be done with this business and move on.
But that’s not the point. This shit will get done when it’s done, it will only move as fast as it can move. There are a ton of things that need to happen, and they all happen at their own speed. I’ll be impatient, but I know it will get done.
There have been some rough patches – the 2.5 hour drive following my leaving yesterday (for work), with no idea of when I’ll be back. Knowing that that house is no longer mine…if it ever really was.
Work was just about awful. It was impossible for me to focus on anything work related at all, and I filled my coworkers ears with a series of “this sucks” stories punctuated by “I’m sorry I’m dwelling on my selfish bullshit” every three minutes. I know everyone tries to understand. I also know that people get bored listening to the same person with the same complaint over and over and over and over and over again.
They tell me that they’re there for me to talk to – and I know that they are. But that doesn’t help, and won’t help. The only thing that will help is time, and the less time I spend irritating other people, the better.
Aside from the fact that it really can’t help. Quite literally every person I know who has gotten divorced has had huge spousal problems that hopefully won’t occur here. There hasn’t been any broken trust. No deceit. This situation is different.
Besides, there’s only one thing that I need less than someone telling me all about how horrible their own divorce was. That’s someone dragging my ass out to a bar to drink beer under the mistaken impression that the only thing I need more than some skanky bar slut is a nice healthy dose of depression-causing chemicals. Brilliant.
I am dreading the religious “fixers”. I’m hoping in this town of 3000, where roughly 1000 of them don’t speak English, that I’ll slip through the cracks.
I know what will fix this: Moving on. That’s what will fix this. Living the life that I have been waiting to live.
Unfortunately, “moving on” involves saving money while living in an absolute shithole.
The goal is still retirement. While the nature of the retirement may have changed, the process for getting there is the same. I think I will be doing ok financially, so I should have an opportunity to save up some cash for said retirement. What happens then? Well…that’s the nature of the future, you never know…